So, either you have come here of your own free will or someone has dragged you here by your hair, protesting the whole way. Either way, you’re very welcome. Could those of you that are here voluntarily please surrender any sharp objects and try to keep twitching to a minimum. Cheers.
This is my introduction and I literally don’t have a clue what to tell you. Funny how we all think we know who we are and what we like doing until someone asks us to tell them about ourselves and we’re just dumb struck, and we end up saying something ridiculous like ‘erm, I like sweetcorn’. The basic stuff first then, yeah? That seems like the most logical move. My name is Kim (I would shake hands, but you’re reading this through a screen and I’m probably taking a nap). I’m 35 years old and I’ve got a 7 year old son. We live in the arse end of nowhere in north Wales. I wish I could tell you even a half decent story about why I’m blogging (like, I trekked in the Andes for 6 months and came away enlightened and wanted to share my story or that I was inspired by a near death experience), but the truth is, I’m utterly bored in my day to day life, I’m pretty good with the old words and I am, on occasion, a bit funny. Well, I think so, anyway. I’m not really sure what I’m gonna blog about either (great start, Kim, you tit). I don’t really do much or go anywhere, hence the blogging in the first place, so real experiences are pretty limited (I’ve got a few stories to tell, but they’re mostly retro now). What I have done though is used a ‘random topic generator’ (if you need it, it’s on the internet, no exceptions) and written down a load of topics that I can hopefully write something funny and relatable about. So you have a general idea, some of the topics were – the weather (always a good one!), your fridge, phobias, swimming (can’t wait for this one), money, sexual experiences. As you can see, pretty varied. We’re gonna be in for some fun and games, boys and girls (possibly overselling it a bit here, but you’ve gotta have faith).
The defining thing that everyone needs to know about me from the get go is that I swear. A lot. I have intentionally kept any profanities out of my meet and greet, so that everyone has a fair chance to read it and know what I’m about, but for the remainder of this intro and subsequent blog posts, I will be swearing. Thanks.
Right, can I stop trying to talk like a normal person now?! Thank fuck for that.
Well, I’m nearly at the end of my introduction. Let’s not beat around the bush here, guys, you’re either thinking ‘yeah, she’s alright, I’ll probably read a few posts’ or ‘where’s the fucking exit?’. I hope you do read some and enjoy them. If you do, or even if you don’t, you are welcome to contact me to let me know and I will either invite you over to my gaff under the pretence of having a brew and then never let you leave (what? It’s hard to meet new people when you’re in your 30s and this skin suit won’t make itself, you know) or I will take the piss out of your Mum (most likely scenario, tbh). You can send me one of those email things here – email@example.com. Please feel free to comment publically, too. Most things are actually better to do where everyone else can see anyway (except for shagging, you should probably keep that to yourself. When I say ‘yourself’ I mean not do it front of everyone. I do know that you need two people, at least one of them conscious) and taking a shit probably shouldn’t have an audience either (unless you’ve got a toddler, then it’s having a audience whether you like it or not), but comments on internet blogs? In full view is best. I’m more than happy to take criticism and ‘abuse’, as it were, but please try to be nice to each other, if you can. If you do decide to be a cunt though, please be aware that I am probably better at it and I don’t want to make anyone cry.
Well, that’s about it really. Pretty fucking cool, huh?! Yeah, maybe not. I hope to see some of you around (which I probably will, seeing as half of the people reading this are people from my hometown that I have paid. Shoutout, wankers!). Read, enjoy, have a nice day, bitches.