‘I still miss you’
Did you think of anyone while you read that sentence? Did a particular person come straight into your head? Do you have that one person from your past that you still miss? I don’t mean obsess over or constantly crave like a junkie tweaking for their next fix, but just someone that floats to the forefront of your memory from time to time, catching you off guard with how much, in that moment, you would give anything just to talk to them one more time, find out if they’re happy, tell them that you miss them and ask them if they miss you in the same way. Would you take that opportunity if you could? I wouldn’t. Not because I don’t want to know the answers because I really, really do, but because I don’t want to put that person in a position where they’re unable to say the things I would desperately want to hear from them. I wouldn’t be able to stand the hesitation in their voice when I ask them if they ever think about me. Even if they don’t answer and they only respond with silence, their silence will speak volumes regardless. The more time that passes, the wider the space between us becomes, the easier it is to imagine that they do miss me too and to have that illusion shattered now would be heartbreaking.
When you meet someone that you have a connection with, someone who is on the same level as you in every aspect of your thinking, it’s hard to picture a time when they will no longer be a part of your life. You spend hours talking about nothing, while at the same time saying everything. Connections like that are very rare, in my opinion. Some people can live their entire lives never having that sort of bond. I don’t know if I believe in soul mates, you know, but if they do exist then I have already loved and lost mine. Losing someone who held such a prominent place in your life is a struggle, it leaves your days feeling empty, you have to mourn the loss of a person who is still living. Whenever something happens, good or bad, the one person you want to tell is the one person who is no longer there. You are reminded of them in ways you didn’t even anticipate. The empty space that their absence leaves in your life feels like a stone in your chest, weighing you down. You wonder if that feeling will ever leave you. Will you ever be able to breathe easily again? Will you ever be able to think of them without wanting to scream?
Of course, it does get better, breathing does get easier. You wake up one morning and they’re not the first thing you think of, you hear a song that once epitomised the way you felt about them and instead of crying, you can actually smile. Time goes on until you don’t think about them at all, apart from those occasions where, without warning, a thought of them will arrive in your head. You have no idea where it has come from or why it has decided that now is a good time to remind you of that love, that connection, that bond, that you both had. Its motives are irrelevant though because the thought is there now, all the memories you shared together come flooding in like a tidal wave of longing and even though you try your best to swim for the shore, you find yourself drowning anyway. The urge to pick up the phone, to hear their voice, to know that they’re alright, is almost overwhelming. You don’t do it though. You have no idea what is happening in their life and you know that you have no right to insert yourself back into their existence, when there’s every chance that they have moved on. So, you console yourself with thoughts of how lucky you are instead. Yes, it hurts, but you are fortunate to have even had someone in your life worth missing that much.
As I think about you now, as I write these words that you’ll probably never read, I can’t be sad with what has passed. If all that we were is all that we were ever meant to be, then that’s alright. Not every piece of beautiful art will hang on the same wall forever. So, I hope that you are happy, I hope that you have someone who loves you, someone who appreciates everything that you are, someone who values you and never takes you for granted. You deserve to have that, even if I’m not the one that you have it with. We might not have been able to make our love create music that would live forever, but, while it lasted, boy did our hearts know how to dance.