Scatty Sunday Stories

‘Insanity is knowing that what you’re doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can’t stop it’

I think we can probably all agree that there are some proper mad bastards in the world. People who, for one reason or another, do things that are so bizarre, we can’t fully comprehend their thinking processes or the reasoning behind their crazy antics. I’m going to write a post about these head cases every Sunday, for no other reason than I think that the title ‘Scatty Sunday Stories’ is ace. When it comes to the English language, you can’t beat a decent alliteration. What I’ll aim to do is spend a bit of time Googling (no drama, fucking about on Google is one of my favourite things to do. That reminds me, I haven’t deleted my search history in a while) and try to find some bizarre things that people have done based around a different topic each week. I’m pretty sure I won’t be lacking in terms of material for these posts. I mean, let’s face it, we could all probably name a couple of people that we know personally who have done some odd things. I know I can, anyway, so if we apply that to the entire world we’re guaranteed to end up with countless Scatty Stories. The theme of today’s randomness centres around the weird things that medics have discovered inside the bodies of their patients. Now, if you’re like me and you have a twisted mind, you immediately went sexual with this and, to be fair, you’d mostly be right. There were, however, a few exceptions that my search uncovered and we’ll get to those shortly, but for now, let’s take a look at the straight up perverts who, in their search for heightened pleasure, found themselves in a whole world of bother. Ready? Thought you might be.

The first oddity that caught my attention and unlocked my hidden interest in this, let’s face it, most fascinating of subjects, was the story of a 31 year old Chinese man who was taken to hospital with severe pain and extensive bleeding whenever he urinated. Probably best to get that checked out, wouldn’t you say? When doctors examined the guy’s x-ray they discovered that he had a small padlock firmly stuck in his bladder. Ironic how this tragic tale should be the one to ‘unlock’ my interest, isn’t it? Almost like I’d planned it that way or something. Haha. The curious doctors (well, who wouldn’t be curious really, innit?) questioned the man about how he came to have a padlock stuck in his bladder and were shocked when he told them, with his head hung in shame I hope, how he had forced the padlock down the shaft of his penis in an attempt to achieve heightened sexual pleasure. Just let that sink in for a minute (what the fuck does that sink want now?! Shite joke alert. Apologies), this guy, dissatisfied with the levels of sexual stimulation he had experienced in his life thus far (I feel ya, pal), decided that forcing a padlock through his urethra (that’s his Jap’s Eye, for those of you in the cheaper seats) and down the shaft of his penis would, somehow, enhance his arousal. What would possess anyone to think that shoving ‘anything’ down there is a good idea? Let’s just say though, for the purposes of this post, that you do manage to blag yourself into doing it, why the fuck would you choose a padlock? Surely there must have been something better at his disposal, something better suited shape-wise? Long and thin, with a bit of purchase that he could utilise in order to pull the fucking thing back out (not that I’m an authority on this or anything. Those rumours definitely weren’t true).

As grim as the whole ‘padlock in penis’ story is, it wasn’t the worst ‘insertion of foreign object for sexual pleasure’ story that I came across (pun intended) during my research for this post (must delete search history!).

A few months prior to the padlock incident, another Chinese man (why, Chinese people, why?) arrived at an A & E with a permanent hard on and a burning sensation when he pissed (all over his own face, presumably). Upon examination and after several tests, doctors found that the guy had 15 (yes, that’s right, 15!) sewing needles stuck inside his penis. I mean, alright, I know I said earlier that something long and thin would be preferable to the padlock, but 15 needles?! That’s next level unhinged, that is. Did he insert them one at a time, I wonder, or did he put them all in as a job lot? Why don’t these people have some sort of a contingency plan for when this shit goes south? You’re inserting a foreign object up the shaft of your cock, man, there’s a chance things could go wrong here and it might not be the worst idea to prepare for that in some way.

The next two perpetrators of the ‘inserting a foreign object for sexual gratification’ school of thought at least made some attempt to rectify the situation before admitting defeat and letting the professionals handle things. An American man rocked up at his local A & E with an extremely large dildo stuck up his arse (whatever floats your boat, innit), but having the dildo stuck there was the least of his problems. After giving the man an x-ray to see what they were dealing with, doctors discovered that at some point the man had attempted to retrieve the dildo (should fucking think so too!), but had been forced to abandon the rescue mission when the ‘salad tongs’ he had been using also got stuck there. How unlucky can you get, for fucks sake? The other unfortunate twat was a British guy who was taken to hospital after claiming that thieves, while in the process of robbing his gaff, stuck a glass coke bottle up his rectum. Not the most believable of stories, but at least the poor bastard tried to do a bit of damage control and salvage some dignity at the same time. His ‘story’ definitely gives the term ‘breaking and entering’ a whole new meaning.

There were shitloads of other stories along the same lines, including a guy with an Impulse bottle stuck in an unfortunate place and a guy who had a glass bottle up his arse for a year, but some of the most fascinating ones weren’t sexual in nature at all, like the Dutch woman complaining of stomach pains. Upon x-raying her, doctors found 78 various items of cutlery in her stomach. It is believed she suffered with the very rare disorder, Pica, which gives sufferers an uncontrollable desire to eat non-food stuff. I wonder what the first person to have this thought as they were chowing down on a chair leg or something? An 18 year old American girl was suffering from severe stomach cramps and rapid weight loss. Doctors found a ‘large dark mass’ in her stomach which, on extraction, turned out to be a 10lb ball of her hair that had collected in her stomach after years of chewing on it. A 10lb ball of hair? I wonder if they let her keep it? I’d definitely want to keep it. Mine that is, not hers.

There are two more that I’d like to throw into the mix, if that’s alright? Don’t pretend you’ve got anything else going on, it’s Sunday, for fucks sake. I’ve got one that is a little bit freaky and unnerving and one that is as mad as a box of frogs. Let’s go with the crazy one first, shall we? Good shout. In 2006, a Chinese woman (they’re fast becoming a crazy race in my eyes. Don’t want it to put me off my takeaway) consumed in the region of 20 cobblestones after she had argued with her boyfriend. When asked why she had done it, she said she felt it was a symbolic gesture towards her boyfriend, as though by doing it they could start building new roads together. What a fucking moron. Well, you are what you street, I guess. BOOOOM! *drops mic*. The last story I wanna share is extremely bizarre and it’s something I first came across in a Stephen King novel, The Dark Half. How often it actually occurs in real life though, I have no idea. An Indian man was teased throughout his life because of his hugely bloated abdomen. As he grew up, he developed breathing problems and was in constant pain, so doctors decided to open him up in the hopes of alleviating some of the pressure. What they discovered though was that the ‘bloating’ was actually a half developed foetus, believed to have been the man’s twin in utero. As if carrying your dead twin around inside you for years wasn’t bad enough, the foetus had partially formed limbs, hair and genitalia. If the doctor didn’t sing a couple of lines if ‘He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother’ as he was removing the foetus, then he just wasted everyone’s time, the prick.

Well, that’s plenty to be going on with for now, don’t you think? What have we learnt today then, boys and girls? For one thing, don’t ever put anything up your arse, no matter how much of a good idea it may seem at the time, cutlery, hair and cobblestones are not edible and, lastly, if you’re really fat, don’t despair – you could well just be pregnant with your dead twin.

Kim xx